Tag Archives: psychology

Relationship in the Here-and-Now

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Learning how to express ourselves in relationship can be challenging. We often have something vital to say, yet we struggle to express it. Instead of communicating our message, we end up either misunderstood or having the other person become hurt or defensive. This can surprise us. How can they feel that way? We have the best intentions and only want to achieve greater intimacy and connection! This leads us to the question: How can we best express ourselves in a meaningful way and stay in relationship with another person?

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Where are you in relationship to others?

The practice of right relations partly depends on how well we understand our own personal history and how it influences our behavior in relationship. We often tend to see others through our own culture, history, and feelings. This distorts the picture we have of the other, leaving us unable to acknowledge and genuinely respect them and, consequently, create a more fruitful working relationship.

What becomes key is our ability to relate sincerely to the person in any here-and-now situation. This means we need to pay attention to what is happening inside ourselves as well as to what the other communicates to us. Through awareness of ourselves and better understanding of the other, we are more likely to find the best fit for both of us.

In other words, when both parties try to understand the needs and interests of the other, then both will feel acknowledged and be able to better cooperate. We start doing this by seeing what actually is, rather than reacting to what we expect, fear or would like to see. When we cut through habitual patterns of defense, prejudices, expectations, and mindsets, we allow ourselves to open up to new levels of communication.

Being in the here-and-now means fully experiencing what is, and not what happened to you as a child or in your last marriage. It calls for an acceptance of what is NOW. We can do this by staying in touch with our breath, our body sensations, and using our will to inhibit ourselves from acting impulsively. Often we try to figure somebody or a situation out, but the real answer is not in our heads, but in our body and feelings, held long enough to allow solutions to emerge.

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Tuning into Transpersonal Will

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Besides strong, skillful and good, another aspect of the will that Assagioli writes about is the transpersonal will, which touches on the spiritual dimension of the human being. Many people can lead a rich and useful life without this aspect of will. But others, who have had a direct experience of a transcendent reality, will recognize the transpersonal will operating in their lives. Their goal will be to use the other aspects of will—strong, skillful, and good—to tune into the transpersonal will, come into relationship with it, and use it to act in the world as well.

Transpersonal Will Activates Personal Meaning

We may find ourselves longing to tune into the transpersonal will when we feel a need to understand the meaning of our life. We might feel as if our life—despite our worldly success in work, family, and on a personal level—lacks meaning or value. Or we might be facing a sudden, unexpected crisis, like a death in the family or loss of job, that calls up this need.

The Three Stone Cutters

Stone-Cutter

There is a medieval story about three stone cutters who were cutting granite for a new cathedral. When asked in turn, “What are you doing?” the first replied in an angry tone, “As you can see for yourself, I’m cutting stones.” The second answered, “I am earning a living for me and my family.” And the third said joyously, “I am building a great cathedral.” All were doing the exact same thing, but the first felt a sense of futility, the second a personal purpose in his work, and the third recognized a greater meaning and connection with a greater whole.

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Good Will Towards All

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We are familiar with the idea of peace in the world—there peace movements and marches, demands for “Peace not war,” and a Nobel prize for peace. But what do we mean exactly when we say “good will”? Roberto Assagioli, describes good will as one of the four aspects of will, the others being strong, skillful, and transpersonal (cosmic or God’s will). We all have these aspects of will, in various degrees. How might we develop and strengthen our “good will?”

Difference between Good Will and Love

Good will is the vital energy needed in all of our diverse relationships and it is close to the concept of love. We think of love mostly as an innate spontaneous experience, yet compassion towards all creation can also be developed through willful choice. When we attempt to replace competition with cooperation, conflict with dialogue, and consider the welfare of others then we are engaging our good will.

1000-arms Avalokitesvara-kwan-yin Buddha Statue

1000-arms Avalokitesvara-kwan-yin Buddha Statue

In order to activate our good will, our task is to develop love and will in balance and strength. Compassion is not true compassion unless it is active, a definite synthesis of love and will. In fact, the Buddha of Compassion in Tibet is depicted as having a thousand eyes that see the pain in all corners of the universe, and a thousand arms to reach out and extend help to all those who are suffering. To be compassionate isn’t enough; we need acts of compassion.

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